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I was surfing the internet this morning, as I so often do at work, and stumbled across a link to the website for Hufu, which is probably the most disturbing food item I’ve ever heard of. I’m sure everyone has heard of veggieburgers (or, if you’re Poynt Blank, vagiburgers) or tofurkey, which are kinds of faux meat made from soy/tofu/veggie byproducts. Hufu is the same kind of thing, except it’s — are you ready for this? — “a healthy human flesh alternative.”

I’ll give you a minute in case you want to go throw up.

Why in the hell a person would want to eat this stuff is beyond me, so let’s consult the FAQ:

Who actually buys Hufu?
Hufu was originally conceived of as a product for students of anthropology hungry for the experience of cannibalism but deterred by the legal and logistical obstacles. However, our preliminary market research revealed the existence of a larger segment of the public that was interested in the availability of a legal and healthy human flesh substitute, as well as vegetarians and vegans. We also found that Hufu is a great product for cannibals who want to quit. Hufu is also a great cannibal convenience food — no more Friday night hunting raids! Stay at home and enjoy the flavorful, convenient human flesh alternative.

So, if you’re crazy and want to try out what a person tastes like without committing to actually eating one, or you need the cannibal equivalent of Nicoderm, Hufu’s for you. Oh, and throw out your preconceived notion of what people taste like.

What does Hufu taste like? Does it taste like human flesh?
Hufu is designed to resemble, as humanly possible, the taste and texture of human flesh. If you’ve never had human flesh before, think of the taste and texture of beef, except a little sweeter in taste and a little softer in texture. Contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken.

Doesn’t that sound delicious? I’m joking of course, as the idea sort of makes me want to throw up in my mouth. But who knows? Maybe the next time I have a cookout everyone will be loving the Hufu burgers. Muahahaha!

Anyone who’s ever done any serious shopping at a car dealership has almost certainly heard the above phrase from their slimeball salesman. The intent is to make you feel like Joe Salesman is looking out for you and your best interests, when in actuality he’s probably back joking around with other salesman about the guy he’s about to bend over on a trade-in.

You won’t hear it solely at car dealerships (I, in fact, have said this a couple times during my employment with a large electronics retailer; however, I was actually talking to the sales manager and actually trying to work on the price with my customers), but I mostly wanted to use it as a means to segue into my post topic.

As you may or may not know, I started taking guitar lessons a couple months ago. It’s really not going all that great since I haven’t spent much time practicing at home, but that’s beside the point. I’ve enjoyed it enough that I’ve started giving thought to getting a different guitar. “Why?” you ask? The guitar I have now is pretty nice, but it’s also not quite a full size model. My guitar teacher has told me that it will be easier for me to play on a full size guitar, and the music store where I take the lessons takes trade-ins, so I talked to the owner last night to find out what he could offer me, and was a bit surprised (I’m not sure why) to feel like I was buying a car.

The first thing he did was to look up the blue book (for guitars!) value of the model I have to see what that said it was worth. When he couldn’t find it, he looked for something similar and told me that since it was probably about $150 new, he could give me about $50 for it.

Cue sales pitch.

I was then told that that number would be dependent on what sort of guitar I was buying. “If you’re looking at something like an Alvarez back there [$700 guitar] I could give you $300 for it. If you’re looking at something like one of those cheaper Fenders [$200] then I can really only offer the fifty bucks.”

I told him I was just thinking about doing something in the next couple months and that I’d think about it. I’m not sure why I was so surprised by that, but I really was. I hate dealing with salespeople. It’s worth mentioning that I hated being a salesperson just as much, but I know what I hate about salespeople, so I made a big effort to not be “that guy.”

I’m a huge fan of Family Guy (duh), and while I “get” the overwhelming majority of the jokes on the show, every once in awhile I feel like one goes over my head. One of the biggest head-scratchers for me was this clip where a tuxedoed Stewie does a strange version of Elton John’s “Rocketman.” I knew this had to come from somewhere, but the source material has always been a mystery to me. Until now.

The clip is instantly made much more hilarious after you watch a younger William Shatner do the exact same thing at a science fiction film awards show in 1978/9. Enjoy.