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I was surfing the internet this morning, as I so often do at work, and stumbled across a link to the website for Hufu, which is probably the most disturbing food item I’ve ever heard of. I’m sure everyone has heard of veggieburgers (or, if you’re Poynt Blank, vagiburgers) or tofurkey, which are kinds of faux meat made from soy/tofu/veggie byproducts. Hufu is the same kind of thing, except it’s — are you ready for this? — “a healthy human flesh alternative.”

I’ll give you a minute in case you want to go throw up.

Why in the hell a person would want to eat this stuff is beyond me, so let’s consult the FAQ:

Who actually buys Hufu?
Hufu was originally conceived of as a product for students of anthropology hungry for the experience of cannibalism but deterred by the legal and logistical obstacles. However, our preliminary market research revealed the existence of a larger segment of the public that was interested in the availability of a legal and healthy human flesh substitute, as well as vegetarians and vegans. We also found that Hufu is a great product for cannibals who want to quit. Hufu is also a great cannibal convenience food — no more Friday night hunting raids! Stay at home and enjoy the flavorful, convenient human flesh alternative.

So, if you’re crazy and want to try out what a person tastes like without committing to actually eating one, or you need the cannibal equivalent of Nicoderm, Hufu’s for you. Oh, and throw out your preconceived notion of what people taste like.

What does Hufu taste like? Does it taste like human flesh?
Hufu is designed to resemble, as humanly possible, the taste and texture of human flesh. If you’ve never had human flesh before, think of the taste and texture of beef, except a little sweeter in taste and a little softer in texture. Contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken.

Doesn’t that sound delicious? I’m joking of course, as the idea sort of makes me want to throw up in my mouth. But who knows? Maybe the next time I have a cookout everyone will be loving the Hufu burgers. Muahahaha!