zesticle.com

I stumbled across this site earlier and thought there was some hilarious stuff on there. A couple of random entries to try to get you to check it out:

Fill Your Pockets With Glitter And Confetti And Then Step In Front Of A Speeding Bus Day!

You should also have big handfuls of the glitter bunched up in your fists and wads of confetti stuffed in your coat as long as it has an elastic waistline to hold it all in. This way, when the bus smacks into you, the glitter will burst in a fat twinkling cloud enveloping the entire bus in the shiny rainbow-colored beauty. The bus will roll right over you and then come to a stop. The door will open and the driver and some passengers will file out to the street.

But they won’t be looking at you. They’ll be looking up at the sky at the granules of rainbow and all that confetti showering down upon the street as if someone just won a war. They’ll watch it all fall down, turning the street where you died into something magical.

“It’s looks like a fairy tale,” the bus driver will say.

The driver and the handful of passengers following him will approach you to find out whose death it was that brought such enchantment upon the world. They’ll look at you in your ripped and bloodied Gap jacket and your Levis jeans and Nike sneakers, one foot wrenched backwards, and they’ll be silent. The angel looks just like them. The angel is out of shape even. The angel that God just summoned back to heaven still has a Philadelphia Phillies hat on his head. Glitter will continue to hover in the air and all of the passengers still on the bus will have their gaping mouths pasted against the windows, watching you as if a yellow light is going to shine down and carry you up to God. One of the passengers will push her way out the exit of the bus and fall to her knees on the street. She’ll pray in Spanish.

Tomorrow, they’ll all read about you in the news. Nothing about you having been charitable or religious. Just about how you were married briefly when you were 22, how your mother died seven months prior, and how you were convicted two and half years ago of misdemeanor trespassing after you were discovered inside the women’s locker room at a health club where you were temporarily employed as a hawker for a sports drink promotion.

Happy Fill Your Pockets With Glitter And Confetti And Then Step In Front Of A Speeding Bus Day!

Rescue A Stray Kitten, But Only If It’s In Grave Danger Day!

Any do-gooder can go down to the pound and rescue a kitten from a box. But only the bravest of pet lovers can rescue a kitten from a burning building or a bank robbery. So head out on the streets until you find yourself an adorable little kitten with a gun pointed at its fuzzy little ears. If you look on the wrong side of the tracks, you’ll find lots of kittens that are looking at rock bottom and are willing to do whatever it takes to stay alive just long enough to experience Heat. No matter how dangerous.

These are the kittens that await your rescue. The at-risk kittens who are ready to courier cute wittle bags of bwack tar hewoin in between their cute wittle teeth just to get a little hunk of tuna scraped onto the floor from a dwug dealer’s sandwich. These kittens are rolling in and out of cars where they frolick and adorably bat at rearview mirror ornaments for ten bucks a shot. These are the kittens that are smoking rocks and shooting up day care centers just because they wanna hear somebody scream.

Rescue them, pet-lover. Not only will you be saving a kitten’s life. But you’ll weaken the ranks of the scumbags that are turning this city into a war zone. One cuddwy wittle baby at a time.

Happy Rescue A Stray Kitten, But Only If It’s In Grave Danger Day!

So, several aspects of my life suck right now. But, as the post title suggests, things could always be worse, as evidenced by this:

Ants eat away at woman’s eye at hospital

KOLKATA, India (Reuters) - A woman receiving treatment for diabetes at a state-run hospital in eastern India lost one of her eyes after ants nibbled away at it, officials said on Tuesday.

The patient recovering from a post-surgery infection shrieked for help as the ants attacked her on Sunday night, but nurses told her it was normal to feel pain from the infection.

On Monday, the patient’s family saw a gaping hole with swarming ants in it when they lifted the bandage on her left eye.

Authorities of the Sambhunath Hospital in Kolkata said they were probing the incident.

“It’s not uncommon for ants to attack diabetic patients. We have set up a committee to investigate the unfortunate incident,” hospital superintendent A. Adhikary said.

Scampering rats and stray cats and dogs sharing bed space with patients are not uncommon sights at India’s overcrowded state-run hospitals that are used by millions of poor and middle-class people.

Holy damn, that makes my eyeball hurt just thinking about it. It also makes whatever crap I’m dealing with seem much more palatable.

I drive fast and I can’t stand being behind people on the road unless they want to drive faster than me. As such, whenever I am approaching a multilane intersection with a red light, I try to rapidly take note of which car I want to be behind. Box trucks and vans are huge red flags, and if you have to be behind someone, sports cars or motorcycles (especially sport bikes) are the way to go.

Now, you can learn from experience and there are some good rules of thumb, but choosing your lead vehicle isn’t an exact science and you’ll get burned from time to time. What happened to me at lunch today, though, was completely unexpected. Two lanes, red light. Right lane: Camaro. Left lane: Cement truck. I obviously take the right lane.

The light turns green, the cement truck lurches forward, and the Camaro (which only moments before had been speeding down the road) decided to start taking it easy. How the crap do you let a cement truck blow you off the line like that, Camaro? If you’re going to drive like that, go buy a van.