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I don’t like greeting cards. Actually, let me rephrase that. I don’t like giving greeting cards. Even that isn’t entirely accurate. I like it when someone is thoughtful enough to get me a card that I will enjoy, and I like the sentiment that goes into getting a card that I think someone will like. The problem is that the vast majority of the cards I see at Hallmark or wherever are all crap. And it’s not even necessarily that they’re bad cards, they’re just bad for me.

The main issue is that, coming from me, the content of said cards is completely unnatural. Let’s take a look at this birthday card, for instance:

Place mouse pointer over card to show inside

What a lovely card. The only thing wrong with it is that, coming from me, it sounds completely unnatural. I don’t talk like that. Ever. Not even remotely similar. Neither does anyone else I know. Are there people out there that speak in this manner? Do greeting card writers go through this when they wake up in the morning?

Greeting Card Writer’s Spouse: Good morning.
Greeting Card Writer: Good morning! May my love for you brighten your day as much as the rising sun!
GCWS: Oh, God, save it for the office.
GCW: But I–
GCWS: I am not having sex with you this morning!

So, like many people, I always check out the funny cards first. There are some genuinely humorous cards to be found, but they are few and far between. Most tend to involve lame jokes about the recipient’s age (OMG the cake is on fire from all the candles, ha ha!!) or even lamer puns (”hoppy birthday,” says the cartoon frog).

I was going to try to come up with my own greeting cards and post them here, but that sort of goes against the point of this post. The point is, I would rather come up with something on my own on an individual basis than to have some company try to pre-package my thoughts and feelings for me. All I really need from them is the cardboard and maybe a funny picture of some old people on the front.

While browing Hallmark’s site for this post, I found out that they are now offering a book called On a Personal Note…, which apparently contains a bunch of ideas of crap to write in cards to people to make them “more personal.” I sort of feel like pulling something like that out of a book isn’t any more personal than buying a card that says the same thing in the first place, but maybe that’s just me.

Ultimately, what’s on the front or the inside of a card doesn’t matter, as it really is the thought that counts. Please keep that in mind the next time I give you a crappy card that you wouldn’t give your grandmother. The one whose glaucoma is so bad that she can barely make out more than colors and shapes on the paper. You don’t call her enough.