hallmark - when you care enough to pay someone else to say it
28 02 2006I don’t like greeting cards. Actually, let me rephrase that. I don’t like giving greeting cards. Even that isn’t entirely accurate. I like it when someone is thoughtful enough to get me a card that I will enjoy, and I like the sentiment that goes into getting a card that I think someone will like. The problem is that the vast majority of the cards I see at Hallmark or wherever are all crap. And it’s not even necessarily that they’re bad cards, they’re just bad for me.
The main issue is that, coming from me, the content of said cards is completely unnatural. Let’s take a look at this birthday card, for instance:
Place mouse pointer over card to show inside
What a lovely card. The only thing wrong with it is that, coming from me, it sounds completely unnatural. I don’t talk like that. Ever. Not even remotely similar. Neither does anyone else I know. Are there people out there that speak in this manner? Do greeting card writers go through this when they wake up in the morning?
Greeting Card Writer’s Spouse: Good morning.
Greeting Card Writer: Good morning! May my love for you brighten your day as much as the rising sun!
GCWS: Oh, God, save it for the office.
GCW: But I–
GCWS: I am not having sex with you this morning!
So, like many people, I always check out the funny cards first. There are some genuinely humorous cards to be found, but they are few and far between. Most tend to involve lame jokes about the recipient’s age (OMG the cake is on fire from all the candles, ha ha!!) or even lamer puns (”hoppy birthday,” says the cartoon frog).
I was going to try to come up with my own greeting cards and post them here, but that sort of goes against the point of this post. The point is, I would rather come up with something on my own on an individual basis than to have some company try to pre-package my thoughts and feelings for me. All I really need from them is the cardboard and maybe a funny picture of some old people on the front.
While browing Hallmark’s site for this post, I found out that they are now offering a book called On a Personal Note…, which apparently contains a bunch of ideas of crap to write in cards to people to make them “more personal.” I sort of feel like pulling something like that out of a book isn’t any more personal than buying a card that says the same thing in the first place, but maybe that’s just me.
Ultimately, what’s on the front or the inside of a card doesn’t matter, as it really is the thought that counts. Please keep that in mind the next time I give you a crappy card that you wouldn’t give your grandmother. The one whose glaucoma is so bad that she can barely make out more than colors and shapes on the paper. You don’t call her enough.
my friend used to do the best thing with greeting cards. if he was buying a card for someones birthday, he would pick a card out that had nothing to do with birthdays (ex: a barmitzvah card) and he would fill it out like someone was giving it to someone else (example: “to saul jr. - we wish you many years of joy and happiness now that you are a man!”) then he would cross it all out in a different pen ansd write a message to me (example: nicole - have a happy birthday ya freak! love, jon) then on the back he would cross out the hallmark logo in marker and write “Al’s House of Used Cards” above it. i STILL think that is hilarious! (and a good way to use up cards that you will never use and don’t want!
I’ll assume my birthday card will not be forthcoming….
If I have the time I usually make my own personsonalized cards here on the computer. It’s pretty easy to do with Photoshop or Fireworks. It takes some time but it usually turns out pretty cool. My aunt had a birthday just after the release of 28 Days Later. The front of my card looked somewhat like the movie poster and said 48 Years Later with a biohazard sign and all. Oh, it sucks up ink as well as time but oh well. I’m sure after it was all done, my aunts card (if I included labor as well) costed about $20.
My grandmother got a card for my grandfather’s birthday where all she needs to do is change the date. Pretty clever. I think she’s used it about 4 years now.
I have similar feelings when faced with buying cards. I am absolutely incapable of buying a card that does not in many ways reflect my personality or that of its recipient. People know me…Ive. set a precedent. They expect a card that will either confuse them or crack them up. That’s just me. Example: Just the other day I sent a birthday card in the shape of a pickle. The inside read, “I bet you didn’t expect to get a paper pickle for your birthday.” Now the recipient of this card does not have any special attachment to pickles nor do we share an inside joke pertaining to pickles, but nevertheless she will open it and laugh.
Just the other day I was at Target buying not one…but TWO! baby shower cards. Before I noticed that there was a section of humorous baby cards, I was stuck standing in front of the sappy ones with tiny footprints and bows on them and phrases like “bundle of joy” and “pitter patter of little feet.” I stood there thinking, “Who buys this shit.? Who wouldn’t read that and barf?” Is it possible to be offended by getting a overly sentimental card? I think I might be…offended that is. If people feel compelled enough to blow a few dollars on a card for someone else, it should reflect the giver as well as the receiver…in my opinion.
My beef is not so much the content, but the price. I’m not willing to pay 3 or 5 bucks for a card that I can’t give 5 years in a row, regardless of how good it is. I mean some of those damn things run close to $5, depending on how “fancy” they have deemed it. And I hate picking them out, it always takes me forever.
Quite frankly, if someone is going to buy me a card, I’d much rather have a piece of paper with a smiley face and $5 inside of it.
I make my own cards with my scrapbooking stuff. Some of the ones I make for my parents are so elaborate I hope they keep them in an pollution & acid free environment and someday turn up in a museum display.
Amy is not kidding… her cards are quite elaborate.
Mike and I ususally get each other cards that have absolutely nothing to do with the holiday at hand. This tradition, in my opinion, is the only great thing about cards. I usually buy cards for people, but like Steph find myself asking why the cost has gotten so high. I think the best way to give a card is to hit the dollar store (or the dollar card section in Walmart) and find the most random card possible (Happy 97th birthday great grandma or congratulations on your new cat , uncle) Makes it even more fun when you scare the person into thinking that they’re missing some actual event in their own life. Cause who hasn’t missed their own bat mitzvah at some point?
I agree with Steph….the absolute worst thing about them is their price. Other than that, this May you will STILL get a card from your ornary old man with a picture of some scantily clad, would-be hooker type on the front. Just cause I like those kinda photos! YUP.
Oink, Oink