zesticle.com

I like the internet, and I like getting together with people to socialize. Given this information, one would probably assume that I’d be all over something that combined these two interests. And if you suggested that I use MySpace.com as a means to experience that amalgamation, I would be hard-pressed not to punch you in the face. Not because I would be angry with you (you’d just be trying to help me find something I might be interested in), but because I hate MySpace so much that hearing its name uttered would fill me with nearly-uncontrollable rage and I would have no recourse other than to cold cock you in the mouth. Sorry.

For those who are unaware, MySpace is a social networking website. You post a profile listing your interests, favorite bands, movies, etc. You find friends or strangers with similar interests, link to each other’s profiles, and the cycle continues on and on and on and on and on. And I absolutely despise it. Why? Let’s take a look, shall we?

People SUCK at Design:

To prove my point, here is a random profile.

That page is pretty much impossible to read. The colors don’t complement each other well, the background makes reading it almost impossible (and yes, that picture of The Rock is locked in place when you scroll up and down), and there is way too much clutter. And practically every page on MySpace is this visually unappealing! I don’t have a profile on MySpace so I don’t know if it is hard to make a page look nice, or if everyone on there just sucks at making webpages (neither would surprise me).

It’s creepy:

I’m a person who greatly values my privacy, and the idea of people being able to track me down through a friend of a friend of a roommate sort of freaks me out. I guess they can’t get more information about me than what I put online, but there are certain people in the world that I don’t want to have looking me up, which alone makes me have no desire to post a profile.

Also, there are more and more stories cropping up about girls getting raped or people getting killed by people they met on MySpace. It’s hardly the website’s fault, but I have seen it said again and again that MySpace is a great tool for stalkers and predators. Be careful, people.

The people are ridiculous:

A few months ago, some emo douchebag killed himself and posted his farewell on his MySpace page. Within a few days, he had hundreds (if not thousands) of other douchebags leaving comments on his page about how much they loved him and how sad they were. The whole thing would have been hysterically funny if it wasn’t so retarded. It’s like all the other MySpacers were having a contest to see who could post the most melodramatic, over-the-top goodbye to some kid they’d never heard of before his story got plastered on CNN.com.

And then there are the pictures people take of themselves. Weird angles, overexposed images (to hide imperfections, of course), and pictures of yourself in front of a mirror with your camera are the norm, not the exception. Freaking weirdos.

All that having been said, I am sure there are some positive aspects to the site, and if any of you MySpacers want to pass those along to me, I’d love to hear them. In the meantime, I will continue to avoid the site like the plague. Although apparently it does seem to be a good source of pictures of random hot girls. There might be some usefulness here after all.

P.S. - You’re not off the hook, Facebook.

My coat smells like springtime. The people at Downy would have you believe that, anyway. Matthew spilled some grape juice on the collar recently, so I had to wash it. Grape juice stains, and even though I let it dry on there for eight or nine hrs, the stain came out. But that is a different story. The important detail here is the way my coat smells.

Does it smell good? Yes.

Does it smell like springtime? I don’t think so.

I’ve walked outside on many beautiful April mornings, when the sunlight sparkled off beads of dew that clung to bright green blades of grass, and various birds warbled softly in the leaves overhead, and while I can’t necessarily tell you how the air smelled on those mornings, I can tell you that it didn’t smell like fabric softener.

So what’s the deal? Why try to tell consumers that your product smells like something it doesn’t smell like at all? [It’s worth noting that I would prefer to have my clothes smell like fabric softener more than a rain-soaked spring morning, which oftentimes has a hint of fishiness in the air.]

It’s the same crap the candy companies pull. Go try a grape Jolly Rancher and try to convince yourself that it tastes anything like a grape. Try the cherry or watermelon or green apple flavors. Same thing. I think I’d be happier if they named the flavors “purple,” “green,” or “sort of a light red but not really pink.”

I think I was going somewhere with this, but I’m not sure where, so this is where I get off. Since it’s so cold outside, I’m gonna go smell my jacket and think of May.

I was watching Four Brothers recently, and there is one scene in which (highlight to show text, as I don’t want to ruin anything for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet) a bunch of thugs show up at the Mercer house to kill all of the brothers. There’s a massive gunfight and the house gets pretty trashed. Fairly standard stuff for an action movie.

For some reason, I found myself wondering how you would file a claim against something like that with your insurance company when all was said and done. If you are involved in a shootout, how responsible are you for the damage that would be done to the home? Would they look at why the shootout got started, and if so, and they determined that you were responsible for people showing up at your doorstep in ski masks with assault rifles, would your claim get denied?

Fortunately I’ve never had to file a claim like this, but it makes one think.

Insurance Adjuster: “Okay, Mr. Camel, we’ve looked at your claim, and while most of the damages are going to be covered, there are a couple of exceptions.”
Me: “Such as?”
IA: “Well, according to the police report, you shot out the bay window near the kitchen while trying to dispatch one of the assailants.”
Me: “That’s correct.”
IA: “Unfortunately, per the terms of your policy, since you caused this damage, we’re not liable for the costs against repairing it. The same goes for the TV and stereo system that you shot out when one of the assailants tried to dive behind your entertainment center.”
Me: “I see…”

If any of you think you might be engaging in large-scale shootouts in or around your home, make sure you have detailed records of everything you would want replaced. Also, don’t forget to wipe the prints off of your gun and place it in one of the dead guys’ hand so that the police won’t know what you did and didn’t shoot up. I know, I know, that’s just common sense. I think you’d be surprised about what you forget to think about when your adrenaline is high in a situation like that. Leave a note posted on the wall somewhere to remind yourself if you have to.

Lastly, never forget that insurance companies are complete and total bastards, and sometimes the only thing they understand is a little vigilanteism. So don’t use all those guns you have stashed around the house solely for self-defense.