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If you hear the above phrase coming out the mouth of Maury Povich or Jenny Jones or someone of their ilk and there is a live studio audience present, you can be sure of two things:

1. You’re about to get some bad news.

2. You’ve probably got it coming if you’re dumb enough to go on the show in the first place.

Honestly, who gets a call from Jerry Springer’s producers saying that someone wants to bring them on the show (for any reason at all, especially Springer) and thinks, “Wow, this could be a great opportunity for me! I’m sure nothing incredibly embarrassing and/or demeaning will befall me if I agree to go on the show.”?

Granted, if you’ve ever seen one of these shows, you already know that the people that go on them aren’t smart. Like, not even a little. Case in point:

I’m all for being optimistic, but this goes beyond being a “the glass is half full” guy into “the glass is half full of my drool because I’m pretty much retarded.” I have no idea if people just want to be on TV so badly that they’re willing to humiliate themselves for a precious few seconds of airtime (no matter how embarrassing those few seconds may be), if they are raging attention whores, or if they honestly think that they might go on the show and get good news.

Whatever the reason, you can rest assured that the only way you’ll ever see me on a talk show like that is if I’m in the crowd and telling some chick that she needs to kick her baby’s daddy to the curb.