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I’m not sure how closely you pay attention to these things, but in the past few years it seems like there has been an explosion in the number of teachers who are getting busted for having sex with their students. As a mature adult, I find this very troubling. When I was in school over ten years ago, this sort of thing didn’t happen.

I feel like I missed out.

In much the same way that I’m jealous of today’s toddlers for having all sorts of awesome toys to play with that I never could have dreamed about, I think today’s high schoolers (and, sometimes, middle schoolers) are the beneficiaries of a new generation of hot-and-ready-to-party educators who still enjoy the thrill of some “heavy petting” under the bleachers. Do you have any idea how excited I would have been to go to school every morning if I thought there was even the slightest chance that I might catch the fancy of Ms. Whoever and spend my study getting some life lessons in an empty locker room? Oh man. My grades wouldn’t have been any better, but I’d definitely be happier about waking up at 6:30 every morning.

Before I go on, I feel it is important that I state my honest belief that no teacher should ever ever ever engage in a sexual relationship with a student, no matter how sexy that student might be. You just don’t do it. Wait until they graduate, like my high school calculus teacher did with one of the chicks in a grade above mine. They ended up getting married, I think.

That having been said, if I was a 15 or 16 or 17 year old dude and I had a lady teacher who was even halfway doable (like her or her) trying to throw some strange my way, I’d have been on that faster than Al Gore on a Krispy Kreme (that guy’s gotten FAT!). That’s why I find it funny/unfair to the teacher that the guys in these cases (and, for the most part, the girls) when they are called “the victims” in news reports about these incidents. To think that any of them were taken advantage of or didn’t know what they were doing in these situations seems laughable to me. I would have been high-fiving my friends and probably would have been cock of the walk at school if anyone knew about it. Nevermind the fact that every female teacher in my high school was a two-legged tail-wagger, as I’m speaking purely in hypothetical terms.

So enjoy it, students of today. If you’ve got an attractive teacher who wants you to stay after school so you can do some “cramming” with her, strike while the iron is hot (unless you’ve got a significant other who is all selfish and wouldn’t appreciate you sewing your oats on her watch). Especially if you’ve already cashed in your V-card. You’ve really got no reason not to, and you’ve got a legion of graduates who are all kinds of jealous of your sexy extra-curricular activity options.

Like you’re not just gonna go home and masturbate anyway. Seriously.