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So I was reading earlier that sales of rap music are way down and that there is a lot of discontent within the genre about where it’s heading, and it made me really glad that I never became a rapper. Sure, I have “mad rhymin’ skillz” and can drop fresh beats on the heads of “sucka MCs” with only a minimal amount of effort. What I lack, however, that seems to be crucial to becoming a great rapper, is an ego bigger than Mo’nique’s badonkadonk.

I don’t know if my parents are to blame for not building me up enough emotionally as a young tyke or if society is responsible for causing me to have a poor self-image, but I have never been the type of guy who thumps his chest and makes sure the world knows how great he is. I’ve always been content to let other people do their thing as long as it doesn’t bother me, quietly aware of those areas in which I excel and those where I am less gifted. To be a great rapper, it would seem, I need to tell everyone that I am the best everything. I have the most money, the hottest “whips,” the finest bitches, etc. Being in the neighborhood of average and being okay with that is not the way to get to the top of the sales charts. Lyrics such as…

My childhood was fine
My dad was pretty great
When I had school programs
Moms was neva eva late

…likely won’t strike a chord with rap’s target demographic. So it goes. At least I can solace in the fact that I’m not going to be affected by this oncoming musical recession.

Other reasons I would make a poor rapper:

• I am not from the ‘hood - Not that ‘hood, anyway. If the area you called home when you were growing up ends in the word “Estates,” as mine did, I am pretty sure they won’t let you make rap music. “Back to the piano lessons, cracka,” they’d probably say.
• I don’t have enough “bank” - I was not a trust fund baby, and while I enjoyed a comfortable living while living under my parents’ roof, and continue to do so under my own, I don’t have the kind of money that will get me an Escalade or a Bentley or a boatload of jewels affixed to my teeth. Not being able to boast about my fiscal well-being immediately cuts out something like 20% of potential song material.
• I am not exactly the toughest dude anyone knows - People who know me are probably, at this very moment, scratching their heads and saying, “Dude, you’re harder than a coffin nail.” And compared to the majority of my weak-ass friends, I am. But you guys, not only have I never been shot at, I’ve never even been in a fist fight. If I called one of my sisters an asshole and hung up on her, I’d feel bad about if for, like, a week. I know there are a lot of rappers who claim to have shot x-number of adversaries, but I’d want to be legit with tales of my warrior prowess.
• I feel compelled to use quotes around slang terms - see above.

So my career as a rapper was pretty much over before it ever started. But hey, I got out before the bubble burst. Rappers, if you are looking to diversify your portfolios, I strongly encourage you to invest heavily in this site. Financials are available after I receive some of your Benjaminz.

*throwing up gang signs, or reasonable approximations thereof*

I was reading the newspaper online this morning here at my desk at work, and there was a headline that jumped out at me. It amazes me that editors or whoever is in charge of quality control for publications like these can let this stuff get by. For those that are interested the article is about a school that is going to offer a quality education to poor people and help them get jobs, not about a sub-standard academic institution.

I know this is a short and crappy post, and kind of like the lame jokes they have on The Tonight Show or whatever, but I don’t particularly care. I’ll try to write something else a little later today.

EDIT: They have since changed the wording of the link.