I love fast food. Love it. Always have. And assuming I never lose my tastebuds in a freak accident, I always will.
If fast food was a woman, she’d be exactly what I was looking for in a girlfriend in HS - easy, cheap, and I’d be getting some four or five times a week. She’d also be very bad for me, but I wouldn’t care because I’d enjoy our time together too much. “That chick is bad news, man,” my friends would say. “You guys don’t know her like I do. She’s really sweet when it’s just the two of us.” Then there’d be a big fight after I accused all of them of being jealous (how couldn’t they be?! she’d be so hot.) and I’d sit with my backup friends at lunch for a week until it all blew over. Jerks.
I eat fast food for lunch almost every single weekday, which I know I shouldn’t do, but I don’t have many options in the part of town I work in. I know a lot of you right now are saying, “You could make something healthy and bring it into work, you lazy bum,” and that’s true. You could be a little nicer about it maybe, but you’re right. The problem with that is that I have to leave here for at least 30-40 minutes at lunch to maintain my sanity. Going out to eat is less an issue of dietary sustenance than one of maintaining my mental health. So I go out, and since there aren’t really any decent sit-down restaurants (which I wouldn’t go to anyway since I don’t want to eat by myself), I cruise through a fast food joint.
I like just about all of the establishments (I’m reticent to call them restaurants). In keeping with the theme above, let’s compare them to various types of women, shall we? I think we shall.
- Burger King is solid, though unspectacular. Sort of like a dateably attractive female friend. For the most part you don’t give her any sort of consideration as a significant other, but once in awhile you’ll think to yourself, “eh, why not?” and check her out. A good choice when nothing else is catching your fancy.
I haven’t tried their new BK Stacker, but have it on good authority (a former vegetarian who has since re-joined the winning team) that they are quite tasty. The Whopper (minus tomato and onion) is always a viable option, and I rather enjoy their Spicy Big Fish sandwich. I find that their food is only a good choice, however, during busy times when the turnover is higher and things can’t sit around as long. Extra points for the best commercials in the industry.
- Hardee’s and their Thickburgers are amazing, but it’s sort of out of the way and usually the most expensive, so I don’t go there very often. Sort of the hot girl in school that you somehow managed to score a date with. She’s very attractive and you like being with her, but it’s prohibitively expensive to keep dating her. Makes you wish you had more money to buy more time with her. The biggest fault in this analogy is that no one brags to their friends about eating at Hardee’s, but you can bet they’ll be hearing about smoochy time with the hot girl. This was my prom date my senior year of high school.
I have yet to summon the testicular fortitude necessary to order their Monster Burger, but whenever I do I’m sure there will be a blog entry about it. A few months ago, they said, “Screw it, we’re using meat as a condiment!” and released the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger. It was quite good.
- White Castle is the kind of attractive chick (she might be goth?) who turned out to be bat shit crazy. A little different than anything else out there, but when your time together was over, you found yourself looking in the mirror wondering what the hell you were thinking by messing with her in the first place.
I always regret eating at White Castle, but once every few months I decide that it’s worth it (only on the condition that I don’t have any plans for the rest of the day, because I will be spending some time in the bathroom later). Four cheeseburgers and a small fry with a red pop. My order never changes.
- McDonald’s is the cute, low-maintenance girl that a lot of guys are perfectly content with. Lots of things to like, the bad parts are usually pretty easy to avoid, and the two are generally pretty happy together. I think a lot of guys (and girls) end up marrying their McDonald’s-equivalent once they find them.
I can get just about anything here and not be disappointed, though lately my tastes have favored a double cheeseburger with no onions. I like onions, but the onions on this particular sandwich are the nasty freeze-dried-then-rehydrated kind. Blech. Big Macs are also oustanding, and they have the best non-seasoned french fries anywhere.
FACT: McDonald’s fountain Coke is the best Coke anywhere. And yes, they do mix them differently at McDonald’s than at other places. A friend of mine manages a local establishment that sells Coca-Cola products, and was given the chance to get the “McDonald’s mix” on their Coke for the bargain price of $10,000.
- Taco Bell, oh how I love thee. I don’t know about the rest of you, but Taco Bell would be my dream girl. She’s about as perfect as girls get, and even if others don’t think so, you don’t care because she’s perfect to you. I really don’t know how else to describe it. It is worth noting that, much like Taco Bell’s food, my current girlfriend is half-Mexican.
I seriously eat here two or three times per week. I just think it’s that much better than the other options in my area. The Cheesy Gordita Crunch is pretty much pure junk food sex in your mouth. I’m all over the menu at this place.
I know that not all fast food places are represented by this list, nor are all kinds of girls, but trying to match them all up to each other is a job for someone with more time than I have. I’m probably also doing a terrible job thus far, and continuing would only make things worse.
I know fast food is terrible for me. I know that I could probably pay Ronald McDonald himself to crap directly into my mouth for, like, $1.50 and it wouldn’t be any worse for me than a #1 with a Dr. Pepper, but I’ll probably keep going indefinitely. Fortunately, I’ve got a pretty good metabolism and stay pretty skinny. I also usually eat a fairly healthy breakfast and dinner, so I tell myself that a crap meal in the middle isn’t too big of a problem.
I’ve got to leave for a date with a couple chalupas (twins!), but I wouldn’t mind hearing about everyone’s favorite fast food place and what you get when you go there. Maybe there is something amazing I’ve been missing out on.
