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I’m a fairly tall guy. At somewhere between 6′2″ and 6′3″, I would look sort of like a midget in a room full of NBA players, but among the general populace I generally look down at people to talk to them more often than I look up.

In general, most people (especially men) seem to wish that they were taller. I’m not sure what the appeal of being taller is, but it is definitely there. Even I would be happy if I were another two or three inches taller. Don’t ask me why, as I honestly don’t know. I think it’s the same reason people love driving SUVs so much. When you are looking down at everyone else, it makes you feel more powerful.

So everyone wants to be taller because they think it’s all sunshine and lollipops and big fluffy clouds that look like things that are endearing. And for the most part, being tall isn’t so bad. You can get stuff off high shelves without grabbing a ladder, it’s easier to look for your friends when you’re at a store, and if your hair is not perfect on the top of your head, it’s not really too big of a deal because most people won’t be able to see it if you’re standing up, and if they are taller and can see it, it is probably another dude and why would he care what your hair looks like? And what do I care what some guy thinks about my hair? He will most likely be checking out any attractive girls in the vicinity anyway.

But as with pretty much everything in life, the good has to come with some bad. I’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of a few cons to being taller than normal. Those of you wishing you were taller, be careful what you wish for.

• It is very difficult to find pants that fit you well - I have a very hard time with this. Most stores just don’t stock a ton of pants with a 34 or 36 inch inseam. And it seems like the pants that are long enough are earmarked for people are heavier than I am. 34 L x 38 W? No problem. 36 L x 32 W? You might as well be shopping for a unicorn, my friends. What I usually end up doing is buying pants with a larger waist than I’d like and letting them sag a tad to get my desired length. I am pretty close to just ordering custom pants online and not feeling like a freak when I’m in the fitting room at Kohl’s.

  In a related item, since you tend to have bigger feet when you’re taller, it is worth noting that it is sometimes hard for me to find shoes that I like in my size. My feet aren’t huge (12), but it seems that when I find shoes I like, they have everything from 10½ and under and 13 and up. I don’t know what the deal is.

• Increased potential for brain damage - Not the kind of brain damage you get from huffing gasoline after school or from your mother being a raging alcoholic during your pregnancy, but you can count on cracking your head on stuff quite a bit. Cabinet doors. Sliding shower door tracks. Light fixtures. Promotional crap hanging from the ceiling in retail establishments. Tree branches over the sidewalk. There is pretty much an endless list of stuff you have to watch out for that other people walk right under without thinking twice about it. It’s not so bad that I feel compelled to wear a helmet and safety glasses, but I’ve ended up with several knots on my head from walking into something.

  Your head is not the only part of your body that’s at risk from low-lying hazards. I can’t tell you how many times I have scraped a knuckle or two open in my house while trying to change shirts. I have fairly low ceilings, and the spiky kind of ceiling texture that sort of looks like someone said, “When I’m lying in bed, I want it to look like I’m staring at a vast cave ceiling from several hundred feet away so all the stalactites look really tiny. And I want it all to be white,” and the guy building the house was all, “Okay, dude.” I stretch my arms up to take a sweatshirt off or get a blanket wrapped around myself, scrape those spikes, and then my hand is bleeding. I bet there are still some pieces of skin affixed to those spikes at various points in the house.

• You have to be extremely vigilant with nostril maintenance - One of the big downsides of looking down at people when you’re talking to them is that the person you’re charming the pants off of is looking up at you, which often means they’ve got a clear view up your nose. Nose hair levels must be kept to a desirable level, and you need to check for “bats in the cave” at regular intervals. There’s really no way around this, unless you want to look like a weirdo and wear noseplugs all the time. In that case, I don’t think you need to worry about anyone wanting to talk to you.
• Less privacy in areas where you really want it - The other day my girlfriend was in the dressing room with me when I was trying on pants (a process that involves her saying either, “….No,” or, “Turn around, let me see them… no,” or, “Why is it so hard to find pants for you?!” with every pair that I try on) when she noticed that I could see right over the top of the dressing room door into the store. I know that no one could see me disrobed (at least not the most private of my parts), but it is hard to feel like no one is watching you when you can clearly look out and see people. Nevermind the fact that you are probably being watched from overhead by store security.

  This is also an issue in public restrooms. I’m sorry this has to take a turn for the gross, but here we go. Like most people, I hate pooping in public restrooms. Normally you can just hold it, but once in awhile you’re going to have an episode wherein “holding it” is only an option if your goal is to soil yourself in the car during your race home. When this happens, and you have to take the Browns to the Superbowl in a publicly accessible place, you probably don’t want anyone knowing who’s responsible for the horrible sounds emanating from the handicapped stall (always my choice). Too bad for the tall guy, because as soon as you stand up, everyone can see you. It’s best to just hang your head, wash your hands, and get out as quickly as possible.

• Work without pay - I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a store when a fellow customer or employee has asked me to get something down or put something up for them. At a Disney store at the mall one time, a girl asked me if I could please shelve six to eight snow globes on a shelf she couldn’t reach without getting a ladder out of the back. I was flagged down twice in one airport terminal to reach a lightswitch in the ceiling for a ticket counter. A minor inconvenience is still an inconvenience. Unless the person doing the asking is attractive.

So there you go, shorties. A whole list of stuff you maybe never thought of before. And it’s entirely possible that there are one or two significant drawbacks that I’m forgetting about.

With all that said, though, I’m happy with my height. All the bumped heads in the world are better than being a shrimpy ol’ half-pint. And I should know, since until my sophomore year of high school, I was generally one of the smallest kids in my class.