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This fairly young guy just came into my building asking if I knew where the Napa Distribution Center is. I didn’t, but I looked up the address and printed directions for him. He asked if we were hiring, and I gave him an application, which he decided to fill out in the lobby. He turned it in, thanked me for the directions, and went on his merry way.

I just glanced at it while moving some papers around on my desk and saw the words “battery explainin person” written in one blank. I figured since he was going to Napa that he must have sold car batteries at one of their stores and used that ridiculous bit of text as his job description. Not very impressive, guy.

Then I looked at the question he was responding to.

Have you been convicted of a felony within the last 7 yrs? *the Yes box was checked*
If Yes, please explain: battery, explain in person

Now I sort of feel like a jerk for laughing.

So I’m pretty sure I didn’t put any deodorant on this morning. I do this every once in awhile when my morning routine gets knocked out of whack. I don’t really consider myself a rigid, structured person, there are certain things that I need to in a particular order if I want to ensure that they get done. Or at all, in the case of deodorant application.

On the plus side of things, I don’t really stink today. I only noticed because I had a job interview earlier and found myself a little damper under the arms than I would have anticipated. I started retracing my steps from this morning and realized that yeah, I’m an idiot. A smelly idiot by the end of the day.

The middle of a job interview is not the best time to realize that you’re not really doing anything to mask your own personal fragrance, by the way. A job interview is a lot like a first date. You’re trying to impress them enough that they want to see you again, and if things go well enough, they’ll let you inside them. Being a smelly mofo can put a serious kink in those plans.

Although it’s not necessarily all bad that I didn’t put any on today. There is a possible link between the aluminum salts used in most antiperspirants and the development of Alzheimer’s disease. Maybe I’m already starting to get that, and that’s what prompted me to forget to put my deodorant on in the first place. What an odd sequence of cause and effect.

I’ve always thought it would be amazing to be able to go back to a number of periods in history and just watch people, but I have a feeling I would be ready to come back soon because the rampant B.O. would be too much to handle. I get a little sick to my stomach if I walk past somebody who clearly hasn’t showered recently. I can’t imagine how much a city full of similarly funky dudes and ladies would make me want to wretch.

In closing, I will try to make a more concerted effort in the future to maintain my personal hygiene at a satisfactory level. In return, I would appreciate it if you would do the same before visiting this site. I have a rep to maintain and can’t be seen fraternizing with smelly, greasy internet nerds. Go take a shower already, nerds.

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to find a dead body. Maybe you go into a public restroom and someone had a fatal stroke while they were on the toilet, or you’re hiking through the woods and find a mostly-decomposed body of someone who was murdered. I’d think it would very unsettling. And while what happened to me last night was not quite as traumatic, I think I now have a general idea of what that must feel like.

Last night, while walking to my car after class, I discovered. . . a new kind of wedgie.

I’m sure some of you just gave my site a “WTF?” look after reading that, but I assure you that it was quite disturbing. I rounded a corner and found myself behind a rather large woman. Not at all unusual, but I immediately noticed something about her outfit — her shirt was securely wedged between the upper edge of her jeans and her back fat.

I don’t want to pick on the poor woman, so I’ll probably just leave it at that, but suffice it to say that I was pretty much grossed out and probably made a little bit of a Mr. Yuk face.

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In other news, last week I was asked to M.C. my ten year high school reunion sometime this summer. For some reason, I said I’d do it. I’ll be sure to let you know how that goes, but it’ll be a few months.