zesticle.com

Now that I work downtown, if I go out for lunch I just walk to wherever I’m going, which is awesome. It will probably suck when it gets cold out, but I can worry about that in a few months (an attitude that I will probably keep around for whenever I get some lucky girl knocked up). As I’m walking around the streets of my fair city, I typically see a fair number of homeless people.

I realize that, having never been homeless myself, it is probably more difficult than I can imagine. That being said, I saw two of the worst homeless guys ever today while I was walking to get my pizza with money that I earned from going to a job (that last part is for any homeless people who Google “being homeless” looking for tips). While both were sufficiently dirty and shifty-looking to be at least average homeless guys, they were both really fat.

I don’t have much of a problem with homeless people, and I don’t have a problem with someone being fat if that is what they want. However, if you are trying to be a homeless person and you are sitting on a corner weighing 280 lbs and holding a sign that says “PLEASE HELP FOOD,” as one of these guys was, then you suck as a homeless person. You should have ended the sign with the words, “FROM GOING IN MY MOUTH.” The other giant dude did not have a sign and was at least ambulatory, but he was still hassling people for change. I don’t ever give vagrants change anyway, but I am definitely not giving it to those cats. They are clearly doing well enough with food procurement that they don’t need my financial backing. Perhaps you can go jogging with me and I will buy you some Gatorade afterward if I don’t think you’re slacking off too much. I will let you pick your own flavor.

But no Propel, homeless jogging buddy. You need to replenish your sodium levels.

FACT: Sleeping at work is better than working at work. The problem, of course, is that sleeping at work is a good way to get yourself fired. I bring this up because here in the last little while, your Uncle Zesty has had a few days in which sleep has tried to assault him like Kobe Bryant in a Colorado hotel. I’ve generally had a high degree of success in these battles, which is good. I sleep naked and it would be embarrassing to wake up at my desk with my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I’m dreading the day when I doze off for a minute or two and am subsequently awoken by a superior clearing his throat. Rather than being lauded for my commitment to my health and well-being (”Wouldn’t you rather have me sleep at my desk for half an hr a couple times per week rather than missing a day because of illness brought on by an exhaustion-weakened immune system?” I would say), I imagine there would be threats of job loss or some other ridiculous penalty.

The whole situation provides another reason for me to want to be my own boss, but I have no idea what I’d do. Believe it or not, I don’t make any money from this site at all. Shocking, I know. In fact, the next penny of revenue I earn will be the first. My losses to date are simply staggering (when viewed as percentages instead of dollar amounts). And aside from woman-pleasing*, I can’t think of any skills I have that people would pay me for.

Speaking of skills, I’m going to try to develop a new one here in the near future. After various sources of inspiration, I believe Poynte Blank and I are going to be making a short film or two. I know you’re excited, pups, and I suppose I’m a little excited also. Mostly for you guys, because I’m sure it will be amazingly excellent. I have no basis for believing this, but when it comes to creation, one must have faith. Or so I have been told. I don’t know if it will be ten minute movie about some bank robbers who don’t get along with each other and have some zany stuff happen as a result, or if I’ll just set someone’s car and fire and film their reaction from a distance. It could be something else entirely (maybe bank robbers who set cars on fire?). I’ll obviously post anything we come up with here on the site for the internet to devour like ants on a cookie.

* - sexually

Although I was painfully shy for most of my childhood (and again for a couple dark years of my adult life), I normally try to be a fairly outgoing guy. Not “in your face with a ton to say within five seconds of meeting you” outgoing, but I don’t usually have a problem saying hello to a stranger (even though I’m terrible at small talk). If you’ve ever read any tips on how to be more outgoing, one thing that you’ll always find is stressed is that you should smile more. As strange as it sounds, I think I might need some work in this area.

Obviously I know how to smile, and thanks to three years of braces and otherwise thorough oral hygiene practices, there’s nothing about my smile that I think is embarrassing. The problem for me is protocol for smiling at strangers - I don’t feel like I have a good smile without showing my teeth, but if I’m full-on cheesing it for no reason, I think it might make me look like a Joker-esque sociopath.

So, how to find a happy medium? I’m not sure. I think I’m likely to creep some people out if I am practicing various fractional levels of smiling to see what kind of reaction I get. I guess the other option is to not smile at anyone, but that makes me seem like a jerk. Although I think my girlfriend might prefer that option, since I pretty much only smile at strangers if they have a vagina. It’s not a flirty thing, since I will smile just as much at some 80 yr old lady buying groceries as I will at a cute 21 yr old who is trying to get by me in a crowded bar. Okay, maybe not just as much, but it’s pretty close. Or maybe I’m just over-analyzing this, as I’ve been known to do with some things, and no one is even paying attention to me.

If nothing else, I know what face not to make. Ever, under any circumstances.