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Now that I work downtown, if I go out for lunch I just walk to wherever I’m going, which is awesome. It will probably suck when it gets cold out, but I can worry about that in a few months (an attitude that I will probably keep around for whenever I get some lucky girl knocked up). As I’m walking around the streets of my fair city, I typically see a fair number of homeless people.

I realize that, having never been homeless myself, it is probably more difficult than I can imagine. That being said, I saw two of the worst homeless guys ever today while I was walking to get my pizza with money that I earned from going to a job (that last part is for any homeless people who Google “being homeless” looking for tips). While both were sufficiently dirty and shifty-looking to be at least average homeless guys, they were both really fat.

I don’t have much of a problem with homeless people, and I don’t have a problem with someone being fat if that is what they want. However, if you are trying to be a homeless person and you are sitting on a corner weighing 280 lbs and holding a sign that says “PLEASE HELP FOOD,” as one of these guys was, then you suck as a homeless person. You should have ended the sign with the words, “FROM GOING IN MY MOUTH.” The other giant dude did not have a sign and was at least ambulatory, but he was still hassling people for change. I don’t ever give vagrants change anyway, but I am definitely not giving it to those cats. They are clearly doing well enough with food procurement that they don’t need my financial backing. Perhaps you can go jogging with me and I will buy you some Gatorade afterward if I don’t think you’re slacking off too much. I will let you pick your own flavor.

But no Propel, homeless jogging buddy. You need to replenish your sodium levels.