zesticle.com

Do you guys watch action movies? If so, you have probably noticed that a lot of times, a man will be walking along in a suit or at least a nice pair of slacks and he will have to chase someone. Perhaps he will be chased. Either way, he has to sprint while he is wearing dress shoes. I am not sure I could do this.

I am not even very good at running when I am wearing shoes that were designed for such a purpose. The running shoes I own now are even specially designed to correct the “moderate pronation” that I exhibit when I run and I still have problems with various joints. In dress shoes, I suspect that I would have great difficulty avoiding slipping (most dress shoes have little to no traction on the soles) and my feet would hurt within a few steps because they are criminally under-padded.

But dudes in movies make it look like they are wearing Nike formal footwear (a division whose non-existence to genuinely surprising to me). They are sprinting and jumping over things and occasionally throwing in a roundhouse kick just for fun. As if to say, “check out how fabulous my Bruno Maglis are as I put one in your eye socket. After this, I am going to have sexual relations with a lady scientist who is much more attractive than any vagina-having scientist has ever been. Where was I? Oh yeah — hi-YAH!”

As for me, be warned, bad guys of the world who would be tempted to assault me or engage in a low-speed foot pursuit. If I am wearing sneakers, I will run like a severely crippled cheetah to avoid getting stabbed or hit with something hard and blunt. If I am wearing dress shoes, I will have no recourse other than trying to kick you squarely in the groin. That hurts no matter what kind of shoes I am wearing, nefarious ne’er-do-wells. Except for maybe my big, mushy Homer Simpson slippers, but I don’t really ever wear those out, and if you break into my house, I will be able to grab something sharp with which to threaten you.