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Homosexual men of the world, what is your deal? Seriously.

I don’t mean for that to sound offensive. I don’t have a problem with your gayness. If you want to have sex with no chance of procreation, I certainly can’t fault you for that. Hell, that is the only kind of sex I want to be having in the foreseeable future (although I would greatly prefer vaginal intercourse). I support gay marriage and though I would probably not go to one of your parades, I hope you all have a good time while you’re there. I think Will & Grace is funny sometimes. Have I done enough to prove that I am not anti-gay yet? I hope so. Oh, I kissed my friend Brad on the lips at his wedding (a candy heart made me do it). So, no homophobia here. Now that that has been established…

What I don’t understand is the members of your ranks who are very flamboyant about their sexuality and act very effeminate. If you are attracted to dudes and want those dudes (who also like dudes) to be attracted to you, why act so… girly? I don’t get it.

Also, why the lisping? Are people with lisps more prone to become homosexuals? I suspect that there are a fair number of lisping gay men who never had any sort of speech impediment before they came out of the closet. Which, again, I don’t mind, I just don’t understand. People are encouraged to enlighten me about things like this.

Lesbians, you are not off the hook here. Some of you do the thing where you spike your hair and wear flannel shirts and work boots and look much manlier than me while trying to draw the attraction of a woman who likes women. How does this work? Are there lesbians out there that like a lot of what men have to offer but just really enjoy vaginas? Help me out here.

If I come up with any other questions about homosexuals — and again, I am just asking these things to gather information, not to be mean — I’ll be sure to update this list. I would prefer to just hear from gay and lesbian people about this, not someone who is best friends with a homosexual who thinks they can explain all of these issues.

Ooh, I just thought of another one! How often do you guys wash your hair? Wait, no, that’s black people. Nevermind!

EDIT: Please read the comments section for information on why I am not a racist.