zesticle.com

I generally try to avoid making posts about current event issues because if someone reads a post two years after it was written, the news story I link to will almost certainly have been taken down and they won’t know what the hell I’m talking about. In this instance, though, I felt it was necessary to make an exception. The woman in this story and I have a lot in common: we are both victims of discrimination.

SAN DIEGO - Kyla Ebbert says she wants an apology from Southwest Airlines after being told to get off a plane and change her clothes because what she was wearing was too revealing. (read the rest of the story)

I am constantly being kicked out of places for being too sexy. “Sir,” the proprietor of a restaurant might say to me, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” The first few times it happened I would get a confused look on my face and ask why. At this point, I just sort of hang my head and sigh before reaching for my coat.

“Some of the other patrons have complained that your appearance is… distracting.”
“What? What in the world are you talking about? I look perfectly fine!”
“That’s the problem, sir. You do look fine. And I mean FOINE!”

There would be a few moments of awkward eye contact.

“Sir, you are just too sexy. No one can think about eating when such a delectable hunk of man-candy is in their presence.” A short argument would ensue, but the results were always the same. I’d leave and everyone else would go about their business as if nothing had happened, the only sign of me presence being an increase in the average temperature of the other customers’ crotches.

It’s not just in restaurants. I have been tossed out of bookstores, escorted from malls, and I’m no longer even allowed in most strip clubs (apparently I throw the dancers off their routines and they ignore the other patrons?)

I, however, am still waiting for my chance to talk to Matt Lauer about it. Hopefully they don’t think I’m too sexy to put me on the show.

[Note: I shouldn’t have to do this, but just in case, I feel compelled to point out that this entire post was done tongue-in-cheek and that I don’t think I am even a tiny bit sexy, let alone sexy enough to be asked to leave an Olive Garden. Okay, MAYBE a White Castle, but have you ever been in there? It is Ugly HQ.

Homosexual men of the world, what is your deal? Seriously.

I don’t mean for that to sound offensive. I don’t have a problem with your gayness. If you want to have sex with no chance of procreation, I certainly can’t fault you for that. Hell, that is the only kind of sex I want to be having in the foreseeable future (although I would greatly prefer vaginal intercourse). I support gay marriage and though I would probably not go to one of your parades, I hope you all have a good time while you’re there. I think Will & Grace is funny sometimes. Have I done enough to prove that I am not anti-gay yet? I hope so. Oh, I kissed my friend Brad on the lips at his wedding (a candy heart made me do it). So, no homophobia here. Now that that has been established…

What I don’t understand is the members of your ranks who are very flamboyant about their sexuality and act very effeminate. If you are attracted to dudes and want those dudes (who also like dudes) to be attracted to you, why act so… girly? I don’t get it.

Also, why the lisping? Are people with lisps more prone to become homosexuals? I suspect that there are a fair number of lisping gay men who never had any sort of speech impediment before they came out of the closet. Which, again, I don’t mind, I just don’t understand. People are encouraged to enlighten me about things like this.

Lesbians, you are not off the hook here. Some of you do the thing where you spike your hair and wear flannel shirts and work boots and look much manlier than me while trying to draw the attraction of a woman who likes women. How does this work? Are there lesbians out there that like a lot of what men have to offer but just really enjoy vaginas? Help me out here.

If I come up with any other questions about homosexuals — and again, I am just asking these things to gather information, not to be mean — I’ll be sure to update this list. I would prefer to just hear from gay and lesbian people about this, not someone who is best friends with a homosexual who thinks they can explain all of these issues.

Ooh, I just thought of another one! How often do you guys wash your hair? Wait, no, that’s black people. Nevermind!

EDIT: Please read the comments section for information on why I am not a racist.

Do you guys watch action movies? If so, you have probably noticed that a lot of times, a man will be walking along in a suit or at least a nice pair of slacks and he will have to chase someone. Perhaps he will be chased. Either way, he has to sprint while he is wearing dress shoes. I am not sure I could do this.

I am not even very good at running when I am wearing shoes that were designed for such a purpose. The running shoes I own now are even specially designed to correct the “moderate pronation” that I exhibit when I run and I still have problems with various joints. In dress shoes, I suspect that I would have great difficulty avoiding slipping (most dress shoes have little to no traction on the soles) and my feet would hurt within a few steps because they are criminally under-padded.

But dudes in movies make it look like they are wearing Nike formal footwear (a division whose non-existence to genuinely surprising to me). They are sprinting and jumping over things and occasionally throwing in a roundhouse kick just for fun. As if to say, “check out how fabulous my Bruno Maglis are as I put one in your eye socket. After this, I am going to have sexual relations with a lady scientist who is much more attractive than any vagina-having scientist has ever been. Where was I? Oh yeah — hi-YAH!”

As for me, be warned, bad guys of the world who would be tempted to assault me or engage in a low-speed foot pursuit. If I am wearing sneakers, I will run like a severely crippled cheetah to avoid getting stabbed or hit with something hard and blunt. If I am wearing dress shoes, I will have no recourse other than trying to kick you squarely in the groin. That hurts no matter what kind of shoes I am wearing, nefarious ne’er-do-wells. Except for maybe my big, mushy Homer Simpson slippers, but I don’t really ever wear those out, and if you break into my house, I will be able to grab something sharp with which to threaten you.