zesticle.com

The other day I was listening to Breaking Benjamin’s first CD on my way into work and got this song stuck in my head. Listening to the lyrics, it’s clearly inspired by The Wizard of Oz, which is also why the video I just linked to is just clips of that movie with the song dubbed over it.

Anywho, I had the song stuck in my head and wanted to hear it again at work, so I pulled up that video. I have seen TWoO many times (mostly when I was a kid, since it was on one of the networks every year and it seemed like I always had to watch it), but it wasn’t until I watched this video that I realized how lame the Wicked Witch of the West is. And that, my friends, brings us to the topic of today’s post: Fictional Characters With Lame-Ass Weaknesses.

• The Wicked Witch of the West
  

  This chick has a lot going for her. She can apparently teleport, she can fly, she can throw fireballs like she was straight out of Street Fighter II, and best of all, she has an army of flying monkeys at her disposal. The problem is that you can take her down with a Dixie cup full of H₂O. That also means that even though there are probably a ton of freaks on the internet who would voluntarily remove a testicle for a chance to punch the ticket of someone who’s completely green (and I don’t mean a virgin), she hasn’t had a shower in EVER, which should be a huge turnoff to anyone.

  And from a biological perspective, her water vulnerability makes no sense at all. Even allowing for the fact that she’s not completely human, her cells would still be mostly composed of water. How can you be killed by something that makes up the vast majority of your mass? Let’s also not forget that her abilities to do evil deeds in scary conditions are severely hampered by this condition. I don’t know about you, but when I think about witches (or any other monsters), it conjures images of dark and stormy nights. Not for this one, though! Night work, even on clear nights, might be out of the question; I’d bet that if she’s out and about and the temperature drops below the dewpoint, she’s in trouble. Evil beings who can be killed with a SuperSoaker are not that intimidating.

  Wicked Witch of the West - YOU SUCK.

• Vampires
  

  Vampires, for the most part, are badasses. Some of them can turn into bats or mist, they’re really strong, and they seem to always have lots of remarkably attractive underling vampires hanging around.

  I can’t gripe about their inability to be in sunlight since there are people who are similarly afflicted. And while being burned by holy water seems like it’s on the same level as the Wicked Witch of the West’s water allergy, I’m willing to write that one off as it seems to be magic-based (it does have to be holy water, after all), and magic weapons get a pass.

  What I won’t let them off the hook for, however, is the garlic thing. It’s just a vegetable, for crying out loud! And not even a magic vegetable, just plain ol’ garlic. That’s weaksauce, vampires. Garlic has been shown to have lots of health benefits, and has been a staple of many peoples’ diets for a very long time. But none for vampires? WHATEVAH!

• Superman
  

  Superman has always been one of my least favorite comic book characters because he’s simply too powerful. Given his abilities by the earth’s yellow sun (it was red on Krypton, so he would have just been a normal dude back home), he can do everything from flying (even into the vacuum of outer space), having x-ray and other kinds of specialized vision (heat, infrared, microscopic, etc.), to even turning back time by flying around the planet at hyperspeed to reverse the earth’s rotation (which would have no affect on time travel at all, but would pretty much wipe out the majority of life on earth).

  But, of course, he’s not completely impervious to everything. If he was, he wouldn’t be on the list. Superman is weakened and can even be killed by Kryptonite, which is a mineral from his home planet that, for whatever reason, is apparently found all over the place on earth. Dude can withstand a blast from an atomic bomb, but put him in the same room with a tiny rock and you and I could kick his ass as easily as we could Richard Simmons’.

• Captain Planet
  

  I don’t know how many of you ever actually watched this show, but Captain Planet was a cartoon from the early- to mid-90’s about how the earth was being destroyed by deforestation or pollution or whatever. These five kids from five different continents (how progressive!) each had a ring that went with one of five elements (earth, fire, wind, water, and heart, which is lame). If trouble was afoot, they could unite the power of their rings to summon Captain Planet, who was sort of like a poor man’s Superman as far as his abilities were concerned.

  So Captain Planet had lots of power, but he was vulnerable to pollution. I wish I were making this up. I suppose it sort of makes sense, but making a hero vulnerable to that which he is fighting against seems monumentally stupid to me. It’s like making Batman or Superman unable to be around criminals. What’s the point? Oh, and he is apparently also weakened by hate. So if any of you ever find yourselves in a bar fight with Captain Planet, just get really angry at him and throw a candy bar wrapper in his general direction and he should go down like a sack of potatoes. I would also suggest making fun of his green mullet, because come on. Who wants to be saved by that guy?

If you guys feel like I missed anyone, please be sure to let me know. I would have included The Green Lantern, who apparently he is powerless against things that are yellow (wtf?) but I don’t know enough about the mythos of his character to discuss it here.