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It’s Valentine’s Day and romance is in the air. Rather than go on a lame rant about how Valentine’s Day sucks and is a fake holiday created by greeting card companies to drum up business between Christmas and Easter and that if you love someone you should be sweet to them throughout the year instead of needing a special day to do that, I will instead take this opportunity to offer advice to the single readers out there who would like to have someone special to spend next Valentine’s Day with. Most of these tips apply to guys and gals alike, but if there are exceptions to this rule, I will be sure to note them.

Meeting People

• Try joining clubs that focus on the things you’re interested in; other people you will meet there are going to have at least one thing in common with you. Hopefully that thing you have in common isn’t a relative.
• If TV and movies are any indication, there is a decent chance that you will meet your soulmate by saving their life just before they get hit by a car or something. The next time you’re out walking and see an attractive stranger, shove them out of the way of any perceived threat that’s handy, no matter how small. Make it sound like they were in much more danger than they actually were. Always have cash when you do this, as they will want to go get coffee or the most time-appropriate meal with you at that very moment. Even if they already had other plans!
• Assuming you go out in public on a semi-regular schedule, you are bound to see at least one person a day that you’re attracted to. Don’t be shy about talking to them! Walk up to them and introduce yourself. If they seem cold or annoyed, that is probably just their way of dealing with their own shyness. Do them a favor and don’t let them hide from this opportunity.
• Don’t be afraid to go after the significant others of your friends, especially if you think they might not be completely satisfied in the relationship (you will usually know about this from things your friend has told you about said relationship). If you both like your friend, chances are good that you’ll like each other.
• People are attracted to confident people. Always walk around with a smug look on your face and look derisively at others. People eat that kind of thing up.

The First Date

• If you’ve gotten this far, congratulations! Your date already has at least some interest, so you don’t have to try too hard to make them like you more. Remind them throughout the evening that they wouldn’t be there if they weren’t interested, and that it doesn’t matter to you if they’re not having a good time because you have other people lined up for dates with you. (It’s okay if that last part isn’t true - they won’t know, and it will totally make you seem more desirable.
• Just because you asked them out doesn’t mean you have to pay for everything. When the check comes at dinner, make eye contact with them, then look at the check. Keep looking back and forth between these two points to see if they get the hint. If they still haven’t reached for it after a minute or so of your subtle gesturing, sigh loudly and say, “I guess I’M buying dinner.” Refuse to pay for anything for the rest of the night. If they readily pay for your meal, they are clearly not hurting for money and you should let them pay for the rest of the evening’s activities.
• Talk about things you’re passionate about. If you think Star Wars is the greatest movie ever made, tell them why. If you’re still sure that you could have played college football somewhere if only your high school coach would have given you a chance instead of making you a third-stringer, let them hear it. Make sure you delve into the most excruciating minutiae of whatever it is you’re talking about so they know you know your stuff. Your date is there to learn more about you, so if you feel like you’re the only one talking, he or she must be really digging you. Keep it up!
• If there are any awkward lulls in the conversation, pull out a pre-prepared list of jokes or conversation topics and read aloud from it. Your date with appreciate the forethought you put into your time together.
• If the date involves some sort of competition, try to pick something at which you excel, and then beat them like a rented mule at it. Mercy is for the weak, and no one wants to date a weenie. Hilarious taunts are a great way to demonstrate your excellent sense of humor.
• At the end of the evening, walk your date to their door, or let them walk you to yours. This is where the first kiss often happens if things went well. Assume that things went great (because you’re great!) and go in for a smooch. If they shy away, they probably aren’t comfortable with public displays of affection. Since it would be awkward to ask to come inside so you can commence the smooching, ask politely if you may use your restroom. If they appear reticent to let you into their house, let them know that you have to go REALLY badly and you might go right there if you don’t let them in. Once inside, go in the bathroom for a couple minutes and get ready for the kiss. Use some mouthwash if you can find it. Don’t worry, it is okay to look through their medicine cabinet. Go back out there and try again!

Following Up

• If you had a great time, call your date as soon as you get home after to let them know. Don’t worry if it seems too late, as you just recently dropped them off and it’s not like they went right to bed after you left. They are probably calling their girlfriends or buddies to tell them how amazing you are. Keep this conversation short, though, as you want to leave wanting more.
• If you have the budget for it, it’s a good idea to send them a whole bunch of flowers at work on the first work day after your date. If you can do this a bunch of times in a row, it not only shows that you’re thoughtful, but also that you have lots of money to piss away on something that’s just going to be dead in a week. That is a good message to send!
• Nothing says, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot and want to see you again as soon as possible,” like you saying it in your own words. Call them at least every hour or so and relay this information. They will think you’re the biggest sweetheart ever.
• If your calls stop getting answered, make sure everything is okay. Wait outside their house until they come home and let them know how worried you were. You old softie, you!
• When it is time for any relationship to get physical, it’s a beautiful thing. Don’t rush into it, though. Ask your new sweetie fairly often if they are ready to have intercourse yet. Make sure they know you aren’t pressuring them, you just don’t want to come on too strong during an evening of heavy petting and have them upset with you after like what happened with old whatsherface.

I think this is a good starting point. I can teach you baby birds how to flap your wings, but you’re the ones who have to fly. If you have any questions or want more advice, feel free to send me a private message along with a photo of yourself in something sexy (ladies only, men may just send advice) and I will be happy to help you on a more personal level.

Happy Valentine’s Day 2009!