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It’s Valentine’s Day and romance is in the air. Rather than go on a lame rant about how Valentine’s Day sucks and is a fake holiday created by greeting card companies to drum up business between Christmas and Easter and that if you love someone you should be sweet to them throughout the year instead of needing a special day to do that, I will instead take this opportunity to offer advice to the single readers out there who would like to have someone special to spend next Valentine’s Day with. Most of these tips apply to guys and gals alike, but if there are exceptions to this rule, I will be sure to note them.

Meeting People

• Try joining clubs that focus on the things you’re interested in; other people you will meet there are going to have at least one thing in common with you. Hopefully that thing you have in common isn’t a relative.
• If TV and movies are any indication, there is a decent chance that you will meet your soulmate by saving their life just before they get hit by a car or something. The next time you’re out walking and see an attractive stranger, shove them out of the way of any perceived threat that’s handy, no matter how small. Make it sound like they were in much more danger than they actually were. Always have cash when you do this, as they will want to go get coffee or the most time-appropriate meal with you at that very moment. Even if they already had other plans!
• Assuming you go out in public on a semi-regular schedule, you are bound to see at least one person a day that you’re attracted to. Don’t be shy about talking to them! Walk up to them and introduce yourself. If they seem cold or annoyed, that is probably just their way of dealing with their own shyness. Do them a favor and don’t let them hide from this opportunity.
• Don’t be afraid to go after the significant others of your friends, especially if you think they might not be completely satisfied in the relationship (you will usually know about this from things your friend has told you about said relationship). If you both like your friend, chances are good that you’ll like each other.
• People are attracted to confident people. Always walk around with a smug look on your face and look derisively at others. People eat that kind of thing up.

The First Date
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Who missed me? Just wanted to post this, but I will write more later in the week.

Fuck you, Patriots. I could go on and on with that theme, but I’ll let the kids at Kissing Suzy Kolber do it for me.

See you kids in a couple days!

The other day I was listening to Breaking Benjamin’s first CD on my way into work and got this song stuck in my head. Listening to the lyrics, it’s clearly inspired by The Wizard of Oz, which is also why the video I just linked to is just clips of that movie with the song dubbed over it.

Anywho, I had the song stuck in my head and wanted to hear it again at work, so I pulled up that video. I have seen TWoO many times (mostly when I was a kid, since it was on one of the networks every year and it seemed like I always had to watch it), but it wasn’t until I watched this video that I realized how lame the Wicked Witch of the West is. And that, my friends, brings us to the topic of today’s post: Fictional Characters With Lame-Ass Weaknesses.

• The Wicked Witch of the West
  

  This chick has a lot going for her. She can apparently teleport, she can fly, she can throw fireballs like she was straight out of Street Fighter II, and best of all, she has an army of flying monkeys at her disposal. The problem is that you can take her down with a Dixie cup full of H₂O. That also means that even though there are probably a ton of freaks on the internet who would voluntarily remove a testicle for a chance to punch the ticket of someone who’s completely green (and I don’t mean a virgin), she hasn’t had a shower in EVER, which should be a huge turnoff to anyone.

  And from a biological perspective, her water vulnerability makes no sense at all. Even allowing for the fact that she’s not completely human, her cells would still be mostly composed of water. How can you be killed by something that makes up the vast majority of your mass? Let’s also not forget that her abilities to do evil deeds in scary conditions are severely hampered by this condition. I don’t know about you, but when I think about witches (or any other monsters), it conjures images of dark and stormy nights. Not for this one, though! Night work, even on clear nights, might be out of the question; I’d bet that if she’s out and about and the temperature drops below the dewpoint, she’s in trouble. Evil beings who can be killed with a SuperSoaker are not that intimidating.

  Wicked Witch of the West - YOU SUCK.

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